I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
