Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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