I'm going to jail i love you
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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