there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize