Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
