hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
