he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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