Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
