If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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