My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
