i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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