Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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