Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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