Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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