John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize