yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
