Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize