See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
