see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
