i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize