Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
