I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
