Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
