I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
