Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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