I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
