im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
