in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
