This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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