3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
