He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
