matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
