did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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