it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
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