Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize