If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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