So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
