He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
