You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
