what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
