do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
