Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
