I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
