When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
