New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
