remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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