I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I've blown a few things in my day
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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