It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
