i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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