dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
