it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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