hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
why is half of my head shaved?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
