got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
