I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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