walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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