She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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