I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
