omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
