I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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