Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I wish there were birth control emojis
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
