She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
