I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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