So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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