You're completely useless in the revolution.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
