I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Someone came in the potted fern
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
